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Gleeson reboots

Begin the Begin

10/10/2017

11 Comments

 
Picture

I don't know if I can do it. When I look at images of Aconcagua, like the one above, I don't know if I have the courage to do it, the stones people might say, if I were a man. This mountain scares the hell out of me. And it should. It's the tallest mountain in the Western Hemisphere, and the tallest in South America - in fact the tallest outside of those man-killers in Asia, the Himalayas. Aconcagua takes people, too. They die of the cold - the weather blows in from the Pacific, turning from rain to snow and ice so fast it seems like sorcery might be to blame. Or they die falling, or from the altitude, like the two journeymen American climbers who died on the mountain a couple years back.

So, I'm afraid - afraid in a way that I never was of Kili. I always knew I'd summit the Roof of Africa, if I didn't understand until the ascent how cold, filthy, wet, ill, in pain and generally sick of the mountain I'd get. But I knew down deep in a way I can't explain that I'd stand at Uhuru Peak, even if I fretted to everyone I wouldn't. And I never really worried Kilimanjaro would kill me, not that gorgeous, glamour-puss of a mountain, with its legendary snows that so entranced Hemingway.

I can't say that about Aconcagua. Perhaps in part because I now know what it takes to reach the top of one of the Seven Summits - and Kilimanjaro was a relatively easy one. Aconcagua is not. Kili is 19,341 feet tall. Aconcagua is 22,841 feet tall - 3,500 feet higher. I was on Kili one week. I'll be on Aconcagua three. About 30,000 people a year climb Kili, though fewer than half summit. About 3,000 climb Aconcagua. Not many, I think, are women.

Certainly not many are 51-year-old women trying to find their footing, to keep their sanity, after losing their brother to a heroin overdose. And a partner to...whatever it was that caused him to pack up and run without leaving so much as a note, or a forwarding address. And parents, so much more slowly, to illness and accidents common, like dementia, and not, like a broken neck. That my parents are still living, despite their emotional and physical pain, and at home, has seen me through what has been a horrific few years.

These last years haven't held more loss than what just about anyone eventually encounters in life, but last July I recognized I was in trouble. When my ex left the way he did, on top of all the greater tragedies, it almost destroyed me. Suicide skirted my thoughts, though hanging on to whatever self-esteem I had left kept me going. I refused to pull a Plath, to become another woman writer sticking her head into an oven, metaphorically or not, over a male companion without her talent or success. Even though inside me, in a dark, ugly place, slithered the conviction that I simply wasn't good enough for him.

And so I needed a plan, a dream, a goal, a scheme - something grand enough it would see me through the days when I hurt so badly I locked myself inside my room, sobbing and screaming into a pillow so I wouldn't scare my parents. Ascending Kilimanjaro and Aconcagua was a big part of it - just like finding a home at Woman's Day as an online columnist was, though I still can't quite believe that happened. (And if you haven't read my work on the Woman's Day site, please do. I'm really, really proud of it and it deserves to be read.)

Kilimanjaro saved me, and so did Aconcagua, and I won't abandon those summits. No matter how much it hurts to get there, or how terrifying it is to try. I'm close to choosing my guides for Aconcagua, and the date of my climb. I'm pushing it back into January, I think, though I hate to do it. But I need the added time to train. I'll be back at here, just as often as I can, and I hope you'll rejoin me. I've missed you, and this blog. It's me completely unfiltered, and I like to believe that's not a bad thing.

If you'd like to cheer me on, or warn me off, or anything in between, please comment below. And thank you for coming back. I promise it won't be dull.

11 Comments
Laura
10/12/2017 07:13:23 pm

Jill!!! I am so excited by this! Wishing you all the strength and love for your new adventure!

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7/24/2018 12:47:07 pm

Of course you can do it! Believe in yourself and never let fear consume you. I know that taking risks is scary because you will get out of your comfort zone. But you cannot spend the rest of your life wondering what could happen. You have to take the chance to finally do the things you always wanted to do. Life is too short to be afraid. Seize all the opportunities you can get because not many people will be able to do so.

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Wayne Beamer
10/12/2017 07:15:52 pm

Jill: Just don't came home from Aconcagua with black feet. And stay alive. Please... Yer pal... W

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Lorraine J Dion
10/12/2017 07:46:50 pm

Such a brilliant warrior! I will be rooting you on!

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Ellis C. Barthe
10/12/2017 07:49:16 pm

Well, ain't that special, Sistah Jill! Up and at 'em. Remember, like we used to say to our athletes, they may look tough, but they put their pants on one leg at a time. Same as you. A mountain might have a longer inseam, but I think it is altogether revelant in this most exciting announcement. READY... STEADY...GO!

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Gabi Yetter link
10/12/2017 08:23:57 pm

I don't know you, Jill, yet I feel I do through your writing. That's what drew me to you in the first place and now I'm hooked on watching your world unfold. I am in awe of your bravery and strength and your ability to push through seemingly insurmountable odds. Such as this one -- the mountain. And I'd love to hear more from you, my online friend, about what inspired you to take this giant step. I will be watching you and holding my breath. Please make videos!

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Sonia Rodriguez
10/13/2017 08:50:24 am

Jill you superwoman..go for it!! I support you 100% I know you can do it..ot try your damn hardest. But either way your killer woman!!! Can not wait ..you inspire so many people women and men. Rock that Mountain!!!! ❤

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Betty Pascuzzi
10/13/2017 09:54:39 pm

You are amazing Good luck to you

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Rebecca
10/16/2017 05:42:00 am

Jill: You are brave. You are intelligent. You are loved. I join the chorus of support for your continued safety and success as you continue to show us what reinvention looks like! ❤️

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Barb
10/25/2017 06:34:20 am

Best of luck Jill on this journey! I’ve read a few articles of yours on Woman’s Day and I have great empathy for what you’ve been through and are going through and I know the struggle is real! You’ve got this!!!

Reply
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7/20/2018 01:01:17 am

Don't let self doubt dictate what kind of person you'll be someday. If there's a person who should believe in your capabilities the most, it's you. Don't let you doubts define you. Instead, seek ways on how to develop confidence. It’s important especially if you are working for your promotion. You need to believe in yourself. Because that's the root of every success. It's okay to be bother at some point, but don't ever lose that precious thing in you.

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    Jill Gleeson

    Jill Gleeson is a journalist based in the hills of western Pennsylvania. She is a current contributor to The Pioneer Woman, Country Living, Group Travel Leader, Select Traveler, Going on Faith, Wander With Wonder, Enchanted Living and State College Magazine, where her column, Rebooted, is featured monthly.  Other clients have included
    Woman's Day, Gothamist, Washingtonian, EDGE Media Network, Canadian Traveller, Country and  Country Woman. 

    Email me! 

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